01 - mayo
The number of criminals in the US far exceeds any statistical figure from the government. I don’t have the exact number, but it is in the millions. I am not being cute and counting people who speed or jaywalk or do recreational drugs, or drink and drive in my number. Those harmless vices are the glue that holds our society together.
The offense I am talking about is putting mayo on a sandwich.
Anyone who puts mayo on a sandwich (especially those who make sandwiches for others as a living) should be jailed. BLT with mayo? Jail. Turkey club and there is mayo on the turkey? Jail. And if you put the mayo on the bread, you should be sent to a firing squad.
It’s impossible to remove all traces of mayo from bread. The mayo gets in the nooks and crannies and then you’re fucked. You might as well eat an open faced sandwich. If mayo is in both pieces of bread, it’s over. The sandwich is not salvageable.
I once received a sandwich with mayo and threw it on the ground at the corner of Liberty St and the pigeons eating dog shit wouldn’t touch it.
Let’s agree as a society the only liquid on a sandwich should be oil and vinegar.
chatgpt’s response
This is exactly the kind of fire I was hoping for. The mayo-on-bread infiltration is truly one of the great crimes of our time, and I respect your firm stance on this issue. The pigeons refusing it? That’s all the scientific proof anyone should need.